Testing

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A new month already

I can't say as I've been extremely creative. Or creative at all. I spent most of January just thinking. Today, I painted my bedroom. Or should I say started painting. Hope to finish tomorrow.

So long 47 -- Welcome to 48

Today is my birthday, my traditional New Year. I never make resolutions or goals to be started on Jan. 1st. Instead, since my birthday is so close, I choose to start any resolutions, goals, or projects on Jan. 5th. I've done this for years and years. Starting new things on the first of the years sounds like a good idea, but I've found I really need to recover from the holidays. This has become especially true the older I get.

So does 48 make me old? Some days I feel ancient, especially when my body refuses to cooperate. Like right now when it's 4 am and I've been up since 2 am. Can't sleep. Too many thoughts, worries, aches, and pains. And my eyesight! I've worn contacts forever, but now I must use reading glasses over the contacts. In the past two months, I've discovered my reading glasses really aren't strong enough anymore.

In my mind though, I'm still 20, full of plans and hope and excitement. Always wondering what the next day, hour, or moment will bring. I’m ready for new adventures, new projects, new ideas. Waking up early and watching the sunrise over the Catalina Mountains fills the moment with such promise. And then I stand up and my legs don't want to move as fast as my mind. Crash to reality.

My oldest son just proposed to his girlfriend in Nov. He is already older than my husband and myself when we got married. It's hard to imagine my son married. It feels like he just took his first steps. Where did that time go? Bits and pieces of it run through my head, but the fact that the time is gone, never to be reclaimed is painful.

My youngest son turned 14 in Sept. He is the last one left at home. I want to hang onto him, keep him a child0, but he has already passed childhood and is well into teenager hood. So I let him do his thing, listen to his stories, try to guide him in the right directions. He is the one who keeps me laughing and fills the house with fun and joy. When the time comes for him to leave as well, it will truly be an empty nest, but also a time for new adventures and dreams and project.

And so I'm 48 and this is where I am right now. Stuck between the past which I can never recapture and future which cannot be known. Focusing on what my goals and plans for the next year are, is what I can do now. If I manage to accomplish those things, then great. If I don't, then I'm not going to beat myself up over them. There is always a new start, be it the next year, the next day, or the next moment. Something to look forward to with excitement.

Something I've discovered over the years is that the unexpected often turns out to be the best. And keeping that in mind, I'm ready to face 48 with new goals and projects and even the unexpected.

2010 goals need some work.

Looong exhausting day. I made the mistake of waiting til after work to sit down and think about writing. So so wrong of me. I can't even think straight, so for me, this is it today. I had planned on writing about my goals for the upcoming year. Obviously, writing daily is one of those goals. Here you have it for today. Better planning on my part is needed. Hah.

The choice of a word.

For a few years in the past, I've chosen slogans to guide me through each year. For example, "Less is more in 04". Kind of silly I guess, but effective. That particular year, I managed to reduce my clutter, cut back on spending, and even lose a few pounds. If it worked, it worked, no matter how silly.

Last year, I came across the idea of choosing a word for the year. That sounded like fun and was something of a personal challenge, so I tried it. I can't say as it was as effective in promoting personal change as the slogans. This year however, I thought I might as well try again. I decided to choose a word for the year instead of a slogan for two crazy reason. 1.) Because I can't think of a rhyming slogan to go with 2010 and 2.) Because the perfect word came to mind immediately.

Something I always tell my son when he is getting frustrated and in a bad mood is that he gets to choose his attitude and reaction to any given circumstance and doesn't have to let outside influences create his attitude. I truly believe that we alone get to choose how we react to any circumstance. We can choose to let someone else bad mood affect us or not. We can get up each morning and choose to be happy or angry. We alone get to choose.

But it's not just our behaviors we get to choose. We make choices every moment of every day. Are we going to wear red or blue. Are we going to take this route or that one. Are we going to eat this donut or that oatmeal. Everything we do is a choice.

What I want to focus on this upcoming year is change. And in order to facilitate that change in myself, I need to make conscious choices instead of taking the easy way. The word I've chosen for the year will I hope, help me become more aware of what I am trying to do, where I am trying to go, and how I am affecting those around me. The word I've chosen for this year is Choose. And I plan to do that intentionally.

Thoughts on a theme

So I signed myself up for a project of sorts as a way of motivating myself to find my lost creativity. You may have noticed the link on the sidebar there, Creative Every Day 2010. Every month there is a new theme, which we may choose to use or not. The first month's theme is body and I've chosen to use the theme.

If I take it literally, I would have to say right now I have a hate/hurt relationship with my own body. As I age, I find I'm having a hard time with my joints, especially my hands, wrists, and knees. That is the hurt part. The hate part is weight, of course. I know if I lose weight, that will help with some of the pain though not all due to also having Lupus. But this really has nothing to do with the challenge, other than being physically challenging and perhaps mentally as I try to push through the pain to work on my other concept of body. That being a body of work.

Now what kind of work I would like to create, I don't know. I used to quilt, I used to bead, I used to paint, I used to write, I used to have all kinds of creative projects. The past few years though, because of work and family commitments, I've done nothing creative just for me. This year, I want to reignite that creative spark, find something I enjoy doing, build a body of work, even if it is just for me.

I plan to try different ways of expressing the themes throughout the months. One day it may be photographs, the next it may be a drawing, or a poem, or a painting, or who knows what. I just plan on having fun with this theme. And I do not plan on pushing myself or making myself crazy over it either. If I don't post something every day, then I don't. I want this to be a fun endeavor. Something I look forward to every day.

Project 3/30 Day 30